What's happened since my last post? Well Sunday (the 26th) was my mom's birthday, and I tried calling her all day but she always had her phone off (she's still in Oregon). I started getting worried that she was mad at me or something--that maybe she thought I'd forgotten her birthday. Then she didn't have her phone on Monday either. Finally she called me Monday night and explained that she'd been hiking at some waterfalls with Brianna on Sunday and didn't get reception, and then she went to bed early and slept in.

I'm on my lunch break right now, and after this we head over to Cambridge Rindge and Latin School where we'll all be teaching this summer. I'm going to be teaching 9th grade world literature. This morning we had our first Adolescent Development class, which was a lot different than the other two classes about adolescence I've had. We started with a pretty comprehensive survey on the history of psychoanalysis from Freud through Erickson through social and emotional learning. The instructors are very smart, very cool guys. It's funny, though--any time I'm in a class where we're discussing psychoanalysis I always get all paranoid, like "oh no, what if I haven't resolved this developmental conflict,' or "what if I'm too committed or not commited enough to my sense of who I am??"

Yesterday and Monday we had T210X with Dorinda and Heather. Yesterday for the second half of the class we split into two groups and had a discussion about race and why it's so hard to talk about racial issues. Heather was leading my group, and I just want to say the she is fucking *awesome*. She is so sharp and so assertive and such a good listener and discussion leader.

Oh shit, I have to go to class. Okay, I'll continue this later tonight.

Another hot, humid day. The worst part about it is that I have to work on my laptop, which gets really hot when it's on. I can feel it singlehandedly increasing the temperature around me.

Went into Boston yesterday with Helena and Linda. I got to see a little bit more of Helena's natural personality, which is a lot more outgoing than she came across at first. I think some of the time she was holding back because Linda and I are so quiet, but she really has a spunky personality. We went to the North End and had lunch, and Helena showed us her apartment. We sat and watched a Tae Bo infomercial for a little while, then switched to a Tai Chi infomercial with David Carradine. Then we went to this street market, which was really cool because it was all crowded and smelly and loud--for the first time since I've been here, I really felt like I was in a city. Helena also showed us this nice park called Christopher Colombus park, right on Boston harbor.

There was this one year anniversary party at the Adidas store in Harvard Square that a bunch of TEP people were going to. It started at 7, but I fell asleep and woke up at 9 and walked over. I saw Oscar there and he gave me a copy of the CD from "Can't Stop Won't Stop," which I've wanted for a while. We were talking about the book the other night, and I guess he knows Jeff Chang. I had a conversation with Christina about favorite bookstores in the Bay Area.

After the Adidas store we went to Hong Kong for drinks and some food. We ordered a "scorpion bowl," which is basically a bowl of alcoholic punch that everyone shares by drinking out of long straws. Then I went upstairs to the bar with Kevin and Natalia and had a couple of glasses of whiskey. It had been a while since I had a glass of whiskey. I felt bad, though, because Natalia kept yelling at me that I hadn't even eaten anything and shouldn't be drinking that much, which was true, but I just hadn't had time to get anything to eat before going out. I stopped at Pinocchio's on the way home, but didn't have enough cash to get some pizza.

As I was walking home I did a fun thing to amuse myself. There are all of these picket fences along JFK street, so I trailed my hand against the top of them, making this tat-tat-tat sound. Then if I looked at the fences as I was walking it would make me kind of dizzy trying to focus on the individual pickets, so I would see how long I could go before I got so dizzy that I thought I would fall over.

I realized a couple of things on my walk home. First, how nice it is to have to walk across the Charles River every day. I complain about how far I have to walk to class--it is a long walk--but the river and the shoreline are so beautiful. It reminds me of Florence and London, but it's also very distinct. The red brick buildings look like legos stacked along the shore, and to the east you can see the tips of the skyscrapers over the trees. I was talking to Rick when I got home last night and we talked about that Anne Sexton poem "Just Once" where she describes walking along the Charles at night.

The second thing I realized was how nice it was to walk home alone, and to know that once I got here I would be alone. Obviously I enjoy being around Adam, but I feel like this past week we did *everything* together, and it was nice to have some time to myself other than just when I'm in bed.

Here's the Anne Sexton poem:

JUST ONCE

Just once I knew what life was for.
In Boston, quite suddenly, I understood;
walked there along the Charles River,
watched the lights copying themselves,
all neoned and strobe-hearted, opening
their mouths as wide as opera singers;
counted the stars, my little campaigners,
my scar daisies, and knew that I walked my love
on the night green side of it and cried
my heart to the eastbound cars and cried
my heart to the westbound cars and took
my truth across a small humped bridge
and hurried my truth, the charm of it, home
and hoarded these consonants into morning
only to find them gone.

It's so fucking hot right now, it makes me physically angry. My entire apartment feels like someone was just taking a hot shower--the air is like thick and hard to draw in.

I'm about to head into downtown Boston for the first time with Helena and Linda and Emily. I've got a lot to write, but I guess I'll save it for when I get back. I had an amazing talk with Rick last night. It always happens where I kind of dread calling him because I know that our conversation is going to explore difficult things (and also last at least two hours), but in the end I always love it.

Real quick, I've been thinking about that quote that Vicki Jacobs gave us on the first day of orientation, where she said that teaching is considered "the *second* most private act." So what's the first? I mean, the quote obviously means to say that sex is first, but I wonder if writing is even more.

Okay, gotta go.

I got about two hours of sleep last night and was almost late for class. I could feel the puffiness around my eyes all morning, and for some reason the upper outer corner of my left eye kept itching. Also, I ate one of those Nature Valley granola bars for breakfast on the walk to class and it made my mouth all dry. The morning was basically a schedule of presentations--financial aid, what to do if our students have behavioral or emotional problems, legal issues for teacher-student relationships. The financial aid lady had a great Boston accent and these funny aviator-style eyeglasses. The guy who spoke about legal issues sounded like JFK. He had the same haircut, too.

A bunch of people went to Grendel's (a bar & restaurant) after class, but I was too tired to be social, so I walked back here, read some Boondocks, and went to sleep. It was light sleep, though. The whole time I was aware of all the noises around me. I was convinced someone kept opening and closing a garage door right behind my head.

Adam made Tuna Helper and biscuits for dinner, which was nice of him (is Tuna Helper a proper noun?). Now I've got to work on a "Boy/Girl" story, where I guess I'm supposed to talk about what being a boy or girl has meant to me. I don't know what I'm going to write. I've got to keep this blog post short so I can get my work done and get enough sleep.

I haven't been feeling happy since I got here. It's a combination of a three things, which I will lay out in list form (I'm a big fan of numbered lists for organization and clarity):

1) I'm still not sure this is right for me. I keep thinking about what Steve Jobs said at commencement--that he dropped out of college because he knew it wasn't giving him the skills or knowledge that he wanted to use. I will enjoy teaching, but there may be things I would enjoy more. And there are many different pathways to teaching besides an expensive, elite program like this. I'm afraid that I'm sheltering myself by staying in school--that I'm choosing security over what I love. Adam thinks I'm foolhardy for studying guitar while I'm here, but I think that if I didn't I'd feel completely trapped into one track (and us ed students know how bad tracking is, right?).

2) I feel like an awful person again, for the same reasons. So often I neglect the people that really love me (my parents, Yin, Rick). I'm an awful son/friend to them, I think because, for some reason I don't understand, I resent how much they care about me and how unwavering they are. I was a total dickhead to my mom the entire graduation--I vented all of my anger at her, for no reason. I feel like the last stanza of that Louis Simpson's poem, where he talks about the friends and family members he's neglected or fallen out of touch with, and for what? "My life that I hold in secret."
Also, I feel so selfish sometimes, because I'm able to bend my friendships to exactly how I want them. For example, I want so badly to remain friends with Yin, and I know she will be friends with me, but is that okay? She called me greedy the last time I saw her, and I keep thinking about that. And maybe I am being naive and it's wrong for me to think Stefanie should be okay with my friendship with Yin.

3) This one is probably least important because I bet it will fade, but I just feel displaced in general. I miss the Bay Area and my friends and family. I even miss Stanford. And as I said yesterday, I'm still unsure about how to conduct my social life here. Part of me feels like it shouldn't be a priority, and besides, I'm exhausted with making new friends. But another part of me realizes how stupid that is, and that the other people in this program are really the greatest part about this year. I think that question will answer itself.

Okay, I really need to keep these posts shorter. I feel like that's something expert bloggers know how to do.

Goodnight.

First Day of School

I meant to start this blog earlier, so I could put down my feelings prior to start the program, but of course I didn't. In my defense, though, the last few days have been busy and exhausting. Moving is NOT fun. Yesterday Adam and I tried to carry a queen size mattress and box spring about a mile and a half to our apartment. After two hours we had gone about half a mile, so I hailed a cab and went to get a UHAUL. What the hell were we thinking? Adam says we get collectively dumber when we're together. But man, I slept on the mattress last night, and it was AWESOME. It's a pillowtop, and the woman I bought it from says they paid over $2000 for it new. I got it for a hundred bucks because there are some brownish stains on the mattress, which everyone else seems to think is really gross, but for $100 for such an awesome bed, I'll just take the time to wash out the stains. I mean, give me a break.

Anyway, today was pretty fun--the first half anyway. I wasn't looking forward to an hour and a half of icebreakers, but I thought the ones we did were pretty cool (except for the random sitting on each other thing--what the fuck was that?). They weren't cheesy icebreakers, they were more like just talking to each other and getting to know each other. In fact, I felt like I was at a party or something, it was fun. After lunch, though, I felt like I was in a daze for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't get a lot of sleep last night since I had to wake up at 6:30 to return that UHAUL, so I was pretty out of it a lot of the day after the initial excitement wore off.

So many of the people in the program seem so cool--people I'd really like to get to know better, but at the same time this whole thing seems so temporary. It's like, I just spent the last four years meeting new people and making new friendships away from everyone I loved, and now it seems like I have to do it again. But do I really? I obviously don't want to be antisocial or anything, but I wonder how much time I'll have to make friends. It's funny that I'm in grad school and I still worry about making friends on the first day of school.

Happy Birthday to Stefanie, again. I feel shitty I didn't send her anything that would arrive on her birthday, but I hope she'll understand. I realized tonight when I was on the phone with her that a lot of the time I must be to her what my parents are to me. By that I mean I always call her with only a couple of things to actually say, and then end up keeping her on the phone much longer because I just miss her and want to talk to her about nothing. I guess I shouldn't get so impatient when my parents do that with me; or I shouldn't keep Stef on the phone for so long.

Okay, I've got so much more to say, but I have to finish this autobiography paper and get some sleep.