I got about two hours of sleep last night and was almost late for class. I could feel the puffiness around my eyes all morning, and for some reason the upper outer corner of my left eye kept itching. Also, I ate one of those Nature Valley granola bars for breakfast on the walk to class and it made my mouth all dry. The morning was basically a schedule of presentations--financial aid, what to do if our students have behavioral or emotional problems, legal issues for teacher-student relationships. The financial aid lady had a great Boston accent and these funny aviator-style eyeglasses. The guy who spoke about legal issues sounded like JFK. He had the same haircut, too.

A bunch of people went to Grendel's (a bar & restaurant) after class, but I was too tired to be social, so I walked back here, read some Boondocks, and went to sleep. It was light sleep, though. The whole time I was aware of all the noises around me. I was convinced someone kept opening and closing a garage door right behind my head.

Adam made Tuna Helper and biscuits for dinner, which was nice of him (is Tuna Helper a proper noun?). Now I've got to work on a "Boy/Girl" story, where I guess I'm supposed to talk about what being a boy or girl has meant to me. I don't know what I'm going to write. I've got to keep this blog post short so I can get my work done and get enough sleep.

I haven't been feeling happy since I got here. It's a combination of a three things, which I will lay out in list form (I'm a big fan of numbered lists for organization and clarity):

1) I'm still not sure this is right for me. I keep thinking about what Steve Jobs said at commencement--that he dropped out of college because he knew it wasn't giving him the skills or knowledge that he wanted to use. I will enjoy teaching, but there may be things I would enjoy more. And there are many different pathways to teaching besides an expensive, elite program like this. I'm afraid that I'm sheltering myself by staying in school--that I'm choosing security over what I love. Adam thinks I'm foolhardy for studying guitar while I'm here, but I think that if I didn't I'd feel completely trapped into one track (and us ed students know how bad tracking is, right?).

2) I feel like an awful person again, for the same reasons. So often I neglect the people that really love me (my parents, Yin, Rick). I'm an awful son/friend to them, I think because, for some reason I don't understand, I resent how much they care about me and how unwavering they are. I was a total dickhead to my mom the entire graduation--I vented all of my anger at her, for no reason. I feel like the last stanza of that Louis Simpson's poem, where he talks about the friends and family members he's neglected or fallen out of touch with, and for what? "My life that I hold in secret."
Also, I feel so selfish sometimes, because I'm able to bend my friendships to exactly how I want them. For example, I want so badly to remain friends with Yin, and I know she will be friends with me, but is that okay? She called me greedy the last time I saw her, and I keep thinking about that. And maybe I am being naive and it's wrong for me to think Stefanie should be okay with my friendship with Yin.

3) This one is probably least important because I bet it will fade, but I just feel displaced in general. I miss the Bay Area and my friends and family. I even miss Stanford. And as I said yesterday, I'm still unsure about how to conduct my social life here. Part of me feels like it shouldn't be a priority, and besides, I'm exhausted with making new friends. But another part of me realizes how stupid that is, and that the other people in this program are really the greatest part about this year. I think that question will answer itself.

Okay, I really need to keep these posts shorter. I feel like that's something expert bloggers know how to do.

Goodnight.