Independence
I should just state the fact that, though I'm devoted to this blog, it's going to be hard for me to write in it very often. I think acknowledging this will take some of the pressure off me, and I'll look at this blog more as an outlet when I really want to write than an hour-by-hour account of the little details of my day.
I went in to Boston tonight to see the fireworks. I love fireworks!! My favorites were the huge gold ones that streamed down and looked like weeping willows or giant chandeliers. I also liked the smiley face ones, especially when they were upside down or at a weird angle.
Joanna, Angela, Natalia and I started having this discussion right before the fireworks about cheating (on significant others). It wasn't a very interesting, or even long, conversation, but it sticks with me for some reason. I think it's because Joanna seemed really invested in it and kept being really candid with us--she described herself as "clingy"--which was strange for me because I don't even know her that well. I've hardly talked to her. Natalia said that she'd been cheated on, which was sad, because I remember the part in her Boy/Girl Story where she talked about a guy making her feel weak and typical. But Natalia seems like a really strong person, I always think.
Adam and I walked back home, and then Adam closed the door to his room and started talking to Kelly on the phone. Adam always has nighttime conversations with Kelly, and he always does it in this hurried, hushed voice because I think he doesn't want me to hear or something. Every time they get off the phone--at any time of day--he always says "I love you" in the same quick, mumbled way, like it's a secret. And it makes me sad, because I don't know why Adam would think he needs to be ashamed about that in front of me.
It also makes me jealous and angry, because I never get to have those kinds of conversations with Stefanie. I remember how Yin and I would have these long, expansive conversations that would last for hours and end with one of us literally falling asleep into the phone. Every time I call Stef I feel like she's just so bored or restless or annoyed. I felt bad for a few days earlier this week, like really guilty, because I was blaming myself that Stef was detached. I was blaming myself for getting too caught up in things here and not being present in her life. But now I realize that I'm always ready to give Stef as much of me as she'll take, but a lot of times she doesn't seem to care. A lot of times I feel intimidated by her, so I hold back and don't let her know how I'm feeling. I think for some reason I get these bullshit ideas about how I have to be a man and not let my emotions take over, or how I can't seem week because she doesn't like to talk about feelings, and I hate that. Or sometimes I'll take a risk and just tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her, or how I'm sorry that I've been undervaluing our relationship, but I'm mostly just met with silence or dismissal. And this is also reflected in the way Stef refuses to tell me any time she's upset. Maybe this is my version of being clingy--feeling like I want to open up to Stef--but I don't think so. And I don't think I have anything to be ashamed of. I'm not especially needy. I don't think I should have to keep subjugating my feelings just because Stef doesn't like to deal with those things.
I understand it in a different way now. When Adam talks to Kelly, he closes the door and practically whispers because that conversation is their secret, and maybe it's embarassing because Adam is letting out a part of himself that only Kelly gets to keep. When I talk to Stef it doesn't matter if anyone else is listening because I would never say anything risky or secret. I feel kind of passive-aggressive posting this in my blog, because I know Stef is going to read it, but it's all things I was going to say to her anyway. I was going to wait until she was here, but I needed to get this off my chest. I don't know why, but I just got really fucking angry tonight.
I went in to Boston tonight to see the fireworks. I love fireworks!! My favorites were the huge gold ones that streamed down and looked like weeping willows or giant chandeliers. I also liked the smiley face ones, especially when they were upside down or at a weird angle.
Joanna, Angela, Natalia and I started having this discussion right before the fireworks about cheating (on significant others). It wasn't a very interesting, or even long, conversation, but it sticks with me for some reason. I think it's because Joanna seemed really invested in it and kept being really candid with us--she described herself as "clingy"--which was strange for me because I don't even know her that well. I've hardly talked to her. Natalia said that she'd been cheated on, which was sad, because I remember the part in her Boy/Girl Story where she talked about a guy making her feel weak and typical. But Natalia seems like a really strong person, I always think.
Adam and I walked back home, and then Adam closed the door to his room and started talking to Kelly on the phone. Adam always has nighttime conversations with Kelly, and he always does it in this hurried, hushed voice because I think he doesn't want me to hear or something. Every time they get off the phone--at any time of day--he always says "I love you" in the same quick, mumbled way, like it's a secret. And it makes me sad, because I don't know why Adam would think he needs to be ashamed about that in front of me.
It also makes me jealous and angry, because I never get to have those kinds of conversations with Stefanie. I remember how Yin and I would have these long, expansive conversations that would last for hours and end with one of us literally falling asleep into the phone. Every time I call Stef I feel like she's just so bored or restless or annoyed. I felt bad for a few days earlier this week, like really guilty, because I was blaming myself that Stef was detached. I was blaming myself for getting too caught up in things here and not being present in her life. But now I realize that I'm always ready to give Stef as much of me as she'll take, but a lot of times she doesn't seem to care. A lot of times I feel intimidated by her, so I hold back and don't let her know how I'm feeling. I think for some reason I get these bullshit ideas about how I have to be a man and not let my emotions take over, or how I can't seem week because she doesn't like to talk about feelings, and I hate that. Or sometimes I'll take a risk and just tell her how much I love her and how much I miss her, or how I'm sorry that I've been undervaluing our relationship, but I'm mostly just met with silence or dismissal. And this is also reflected in the way Stef refuses to tell me any time she's upset. Maybe this is my version of being clingy--feeling like I want to open up to Stef--but I don't think so. And I don't think I have anything to be ashamed of. I'm not especially needy. I don't think I should have to keep subjugating my feelings just because Stef doesn't like to deal with those things.
I understand it in a different way now. When Adam talks to Kelly, he closes the door and practically whispers because that conversation is their secret, and maybe it's embarassing because Adam is letting out a part of himself that only Kelly gets to keep. When I talk to Stef it doesn't matter if anyone else is listening because I would never say anything risky or secret. I feel kind of passive-aggressive posting this in my blog, because I know Stef is going to read it, but it's all things I was going to say to her anyway. I was going to wait until she was here, but I needed to get this off my chest. I don't know why, but I just got really fucking angry tonight.
posted by DB at 12:23 AM
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